


i would say "get a room" but that looks like the plan

by zerotransfat



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: ....no surprise there, 5+1 Things, Ana Back At It Again With The Mandatory Safe Sex Talk, Closets, Coitus Interruptus, Genji is a Little Shit, Hana Song Capitalizes on the Resident Gays, Humor, Jack and Gabe: the Prototype Couple, M/M, Mercy is Tired, Protect Angela Ziegler 2k16, RIP Hanzo's Dignity, RIP Jesse's Foot, Remember Kids Lube or Everyone Cries, Rilakkuma Condoms for Everyone, Second-Hand Embarrassment, Sexual Humor, That's not Sanitary(TM) guys, Torb is Also Tired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-02
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-28 19:22:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7653655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zerotransfat/pseuds/zerotransfat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You would think that a pair of middle-aged men would have matured out of making out in closets and other semi-public locations like love-struck teenagers, but at this point Overwatch is starting to get really tired of telling their resident cowboy to wrangle his ninja archer boyfriend somewhere else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i would say "get a room" but that looks like the plan

**Author's Note:**

> I _still_ can't believe I wrote what essentially amounts to a sex comedy.

**1.**

 

Torbjörn frowned as he heard muffled thumping sounds from the boiler closet. “Reinhardt, I thought Brigitte already fixed the old boiler,” he said to his much taller companion who shrugged his enormous shoulders.

“She said she did, but maybe it broke again? The budget is not the greatest at the moment if you’ve ever listened to Winston for longer than five minutes. Watchpoint Gibraltar is not how it once was, my friend.”

The solemn silence that  _ should  _ have followed that slightly depressing statement was broken by the sound of the thumping intensifying. Reinhardt gave him a Look, the Look that said throughout the ages of human history something along the lines of  _ You’re the engineer, I’m just the musclehead in armour that hits things. _

“Alright, alright, I’m going! Jeez, no one lets me get a breather around here…” Torbjörn grumbled, grabbing his tool bag. He stomped down the hall grumbling under his breath, going straight for the boiler closet at the end. “Reinhardt, if you make any jokes about only me being small enough to fit in a boiler closet I’m going to strangle you, even if I have to build a turret to do it for me…”

He threw open the broiler closet and discovered that, despite much evidence to the contrary, a grown man of average size  _ can  _ fit inside the boiler closet.

In fact, it can fit two.

“This isn’t what it looks like,” McCree said, face flushed, eyes panicked, and his hand down Hanzo’s pants.

Torbjörn couldn’t stop himself from staring at them even harder as Hanzo’s face grew tomato red. With a surreptitious motion, the archer quickly brought the heel of his foot down on McCree’s own foot, making the other man yelp. Unfortunately, Hanzo’s foot was metal and McCree’s legs were just squishy mortal flesh; they tumbled onto the floor, Hanzo on top of McCree in an undignified pile. The sharpshooter banged his head on the way down, and groaned.

Torbjörn only sighed — this was just like the old, old days. “McCree, boy, I would have thought you’d know better. Boiler closets are not comfortable for intimate trysts, and if you’re going to screw find somewhere  _ private please.  _ Now, I’m going to pretend I saw nothing. By the time I come back to check if either of you fucked something up in here you better be gone.”

And he thought Gérard and Amélie were bad.

 

** 2. **

 

Hana kept irregular hours, of course she did. She had so many things to juggle—skirmishes, battles, livestreaming those battles and other new games too. Contractual obligations were serious things, and she had to obey her corporate overlords, at least to a degree.

Coffee was her best friend. Sweet, life-giving coffee, to sustain her through endless nights of trying to get past that one boss.

She wandered into the kitchen, intent on hunting down the coffee maker and wake herself up. The kitchen was totally quiet this time at night and she turned on the machine, the familiar sputtering sounds starting up. Hana shoved her favourite mug under the spout and yawned. Four AM was always the hardest time to get through, but she had only one more boss until the ending cutscene. At least she wasn’t due for a mission in the morning.

Blearily, she registered the door slamming open and two bodies tumbling against the wall. Hana was sitting at a corner of the room so her position was covered by the shadows, but she was not purposefully hiding herself. Anyone who had the eyes and half a speck of attention would have seen her, or at least noticed the dim lights were on.

But apparently, the two idiots eating each other’s faces couldn’t give half a damn about who saw them. Not that Hana was complaining, oh no, but she would like to drink her late night coffee in  _ peace. _

She waited until McCree’s hands started towards the drawstrings of Hanzo’s sweatpants before saying out loud, “While I love to see you two getting along, unless you agree to let me stream these next few moments for my NSFW channel, then you’re gonna have to go somewhere else. It’s four AM, what are you doing still necking? ”

Boy, did  _ that  _ make them sputter.

Oh, she’s going to enjoy this. “Does that mean you’ll do it? Oooh, let me get my camera—!”

“No!” McCree managed to say, sounding strangled.

“Well then, if you won’t let me film you, then could you kindly take your BL somewhere else? In case you haven't noticed, this is the  _ kitchen.  _ People  _ eat  _ here.”

Hanzo’s face looked like he was going to have an apoplexy out of embarrassment. “We apologize for disturbing you, Song-san, and if you’ll…excuse us…” With one hand, the archer grabbed onto his boyfriend’s collar and almost physically dragged his stunned form out of the room.

In spite of her exhaustion, Hana grinned.  _ This is great material for my next livestream, it’s gonna be great. I better invite Lúcio too, he’ll want the dirt on those two. _

 

**3.**

 

Genji liked to meditate atop the stony cliffs when he couldn’t sleep at night, when the phantom pain scratched at his nerves or dreams of fire and screaming kept him from peace. There was a fairly secluded spot near Watchpoint Gibraltar with a good view of the horizon below him that he always retreated to on those nights. The others knew about the place, just in case there was an emergency on base and no one could reach him through the comm, but no one bothered him while he was up there.

Except tonight, apparently.

Genji took in the footprints in the dust ahead of him and crinkled his brow behind his mask. Not many people came up to this sheltered alcove unless they were already looking for him, and if so they would have just caught him before he headed out of base.

He prepared his shuriken. Just in case.

Genji decided to take the shorter way this time, climbing directly over the bare stone and forgoing the narrow winding path up to the little secluded alcove where he did his meditation. With a stealthy motion, he checked around the corner—

—aaaaaannnd got an eyeful.

The first thing that came to his mind and out his mouth was, “I am so happy Anija finally got laid. I was beginning to think the stick up your ass was permanently affixed; I am glad to be proven wrong.”

All activity from behind the rock stopped. Then there was a whole fifteen seconds of mad scrambling and _“Fool! Stop—”_

After some time, Genji deemed it safe to come out from behind the rock. Both his brother and McCree were standing awkwardly, clothes scuffled and askew. McCree’s serape was dusty, like it had been laid flat on the ground, and his hat sat at a strange angle. His brother’s obi was tied incorrectly, and there was a magnificent hickey developing at an exposed spot on his neck. 

Genji saw the embarrassed looks they were throwing at each other and at him. He was suddenly glad that his mask hid his face, because he felt the smuggest, most aggravating smile creeping up on his lips. 

“Aaah, I remember my days of intimacy.” He struggled to not laugh aloud. From the expression on Hanzo’s face, he was failing miserably. “Might I suggest bringing a softer padding the next time you pursue such activities in the open? I must say, if there’s one thing I do not miss it’s the chafing that comes with outdoor sex.”

Hanzo pinched the bridge of his nose as McCree asked, “Ya must have a lot of experience with that, huh pardner?” The cowboy said, looking like he was slapping himself internally for even asking. Hanzo looked homicidal.

“Well, neither Dr. Ziegler or you, Anija, were exactly responsible for these particular set of scratches on my behind, if you know what I mean.”  _ Kami above, this is too good. Look at how he is blushing!  _

“We are never talking about this. Especially  _ you,  _ fool.  _ Never, _ ” he hissed as McCree opened his mouth again. 

It was a painful walk back for McCree, since Hanzo took every opportunity to step on his foot. Genji resolved to enjoy this for as long as possible.

  
**4.**

 

Ana knew right away what was happening.

Oh, don’t give her that look. She lived in the same quarters as one Gabriel Reyes and one Jack Morrison, she’s seen  _ all  _ the states of two guys going at it. And of course Jesse was going to pull some moves on his boyfriend, the two were like teenagers who couldn’t keep their hands off each other.

That meant, of course, as a concerned (mother)  _ mentor  _ that she must give sage advice.

“Karma is like 69, kids! You get what you give!” She said cheerfully as she sat down beside Jesse who spat out the mouthful of coffee. The cowboy coughed and coughed.

“OH MY GOD, ANA.” He spluttered, coffee coming out of his nose. Beside him, Hanzo threw Jesse a look of disgust before giving him a tissue to clean himself up before freezing.

“Ana-san…” The archer murmured as what she said slowly processed in his brain. “What…”

“I will have you know,” she said, pulling out a dildo out of a large cloth bag. It had  **FOR DEMONSTRATION PURPOSES ONLY** written lengthwise on it with black marker. “That whatever your clan told you about sex is nowhere  _ near  _ as comprehensive as I would like it to be, and very unlikely to be tailored to sex positivity and how to do it with another man. I am therefore the most qualified person to teach you, and it doesn’t hurt for Jesse to get a refresher as well.”

“That is a lie, I got scarred for  _ life  _ after your talk and  _ I DO NOT NEED A REFRESHER ANA, _ ” Jesse groaned as she continued taking out props from the bag, “Why don’t you bother Fareeha? I’m sure she needs it more than I do!”

“Nope. I don’t care. If I have to repeat this talk every time you start going steady with someone I will actually do it, I don’t trust your memory when it comes to these things and I sure as hell don’t trust the Shimada clan to have taught your boyfriend properly. You two are going to sit in those chairs and listen to  _ everything _ . Questions are encouraged!”

She then proceeded, in excruciating detail, to teach  _ exactly  _ what to do for anal sex.

“And I don’t care what you saw in porn, saliva is not a good lubricant!” She said, shoving the little bottles of lube at the couple. “And don’t you dare not use lube, if you don’t then the person receiving will bleed, the person pitching will cry, you’ll both cry and Angela will have to deal with you two at night and trust me, it’s not a fun time for anybody. Always. Use. Lubricant! Remember, make sure to get properly sized condoms, and I sure hope to hell the two of you got tested before you started boning, communication is important. Oh, and remember, if you’re using any sex toys then for the love of Allah  _ make sure they’re designed for insertion. _ ”

Hanzo refused to meet her eyes for the next week afterwards. Ana patted herself on the back and considered it a job well done.

 

**5.**

 

Angela was, unfortunately, no stranger to amorous activities being conducted in her workspaces. Oh, she protested every time, citing unsanitary conditions and physical exertion being detrimental to the recovery of her patients, but when the people under her care tended to have some pretty close calls it was perhaps understandable that their significant others would want to express their relief. She can understand that.

She has to hold herself back from laying into them every time, but she can understand that.

That all came to a head one night.

Being the only doctor for an entire illegal, underfunded vigilante organization was not an easy job, and being the only doctor meant that she had no one to delegate for even the most menial of tasks, which was why she was doing paperwork at one in the morning in the tiny office attached to the medical bay.

She was jerked out of balancing the budget (Winston can whine about the cost to upgrade the sickbay when he stopped jumping right into enemy fire and expected her to follow him straight into the hail of pulse munition,  _ thank you very much _ ) by a clattering noise. Angela frowned. The only person in the sickbay at the moment should be McCree, who had caught a bullet to the shoulder. It didn’t do too much damage, but he was in the medical bay overnight for observation—and should not be awake at the moment.

Angela growled. “Mein Gott, if he’s trying to sneak out of the med bay to see his boyfriend again I am going to scream,” she muttered to herself, taking her gun just in case. If it was by some coincidence an intruder then she would be prepared to protect herself, and if it was just the idiot she was expecting then she could intimidate the two of them. With another thought, she pulled open a drawer and took out the strip of condoms inside. Just for good measure, she grabbed the lube too.

With a purposeful stride, she walked near noiselessly out of her office. The privacy curtains were closed, but she knew for a fact that when she walked into her office at twelve they were open and McCree was actually asleep. There were slick noises and moans and  _ god,  _ Angela was so tired.

The doctor threw open the curtains without even bothering to ask if either of them were decent.

She stared at Hanzo, who gave her a deer-in-headlights look as he tried to untangle himself from McCree’s bandaged form. She continued staring as the archer automatically moved into a seiza position, cowed by her glare.

“And why, Mr. Shimada, are you here in  _ my  _ infirmary, bothering  _ my  _ patient, at one AM in the morning?” Arms crossed and frowning, Angela tapped her foot against the linoleum as the two of them fidgeted.

“Uh,” McCree opened his mouth, and then closed it as his boyfriend threw him a look that clearly said  _ please shut up. _

“It’s one AM, and I  _ really  _ don't want to deal with you right now.” Angela chucked at them the strip of condoms and the little bottle of lube and utterly ignored the terrified looks they both threw her.  Hanzo gingerly picked them up and stared in horrified fascination at [the utterly familiar cartoon bears on the packaging.](https://shop.whiterabbitjapan.com/products/rilakkuma-condoms) “Use them, for god’s sake, I do not need to deal with… _ personal _ …injuries this late at night. And there better be a good box of chocolates for me by next week.”

There were three boxes, one of them cute ones from a specialty shop in Japan. Angela felt slightly more appeased, and made more plans to leave a box of condoms and more lube in McCree’s room. She even made sure to order more of the cute bear ones, the honey flavoured type. 

Time to pass them along to Ana, just to see the chaos unfold.  
  


**+1.**

 

“Remember the last time we made out in the boiler closet? Now that was an adventure and a half,” Jesse grinned as Hanzo frowned. He leaned forward to kiss his boyfriend, who moaned and held on to him harder.

“Please do not remind me, I still fear that Torbjörn will discover us again and we shall have to face his wrath.” Hanzo slipped his leg in-between Jesse’s and pressed himself closer. “We’ll just have to be careful.”

“Yer talking too much, darlin’,” Jesse said playfully. His mechanical hand slipped under the shirt, tracing the trail of fine hair up to Hanzo’s chest and lightly touching. He could feel every shudder of his boyfriend’s body, feel the way he curled closer into him. With a quick motion, Hanzo somehow maneuvered himself to push Jesse down and kissed him breathless.

“Too open,” The archer gasped into his mouth. “Somewhere more private.”

“There’s a storage room around the corner,”  Jesse purred, the sound rumbling deep in his chest. “C’mon, we’re almost there.”

Hanzo hummed, and with a little jump wrapped his legs around his waist. They continued kissing even as Jesse half-carried Hanzo towards the room. 

Jesse scrabbled for the doorknob, groaning as Hanzo latched onto an exposed spot of his neck; it was going to bruise beautifully. They stumbled into the dusty storage room, barely remembering to close the door behind them. 

“God, sweetheart, you’re killing me here,” the cowboy squirmed as his boyfriend licked long, wet stripes up his neck. The archer growled as he clawed at the buttons of Jesse’s plaid shirt, almost ripping it in his haste.

“Uh,” came a voice from behind them. They both froze.

Gabriel and Jack stared back at them, in a similar state of undress. 

“Uh,” Jesse said back, just as eloquently. Hanzo resisted the urge to once again plant a foot right into his boyfriend’s stomach just to shut him up. He settled for pinching his arm, which made Jesse wince.

“Uh,” Jack said again. He reached slowly towards Gabriel and pulled the collar of his shirt back up. “T-the room is…occupied. Maybe you should try somewhere else?”

“That—that’s a good i-idea,” Hanzo said. His face was doing a lot of flushing lately. “We-we should—”

“Yeah, uh,” Gabriel coughed. “There’s, uhm, try storage room 4C. It’s…unused. Usually. Probably. Maybe.”

There was a prolonged,  _ painfully  _ awkward silence after that. They all looked at each other, uncertain on what to do.

Then, Hanzo reached, with agonizing slowness, into the sleeve of his gi and drew out a strip of condoms. It was disgustingly cute, with cartoon bears eating pancakes on the packaging. With the look of a man staring at his death, he handed them to Gabriel, who took them, dumbstruck. “H-here…you might…need these…” the archer said through his teeth.

“T-thanks…”

“…”

“W-we’re just…gonna go…now.” Jesse said, dazed. They both staggered out into the hallway. Jack called from behind them, “Please close the door on your way out.”

They did that, and stared at each other even more on the way back to Hanzo’s room.

“We,” Hanzo said, “are never making out anywhere except in this room, ever again.” 

“Agreed,” Jesse said, still dazed, and that was that.

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to @belinda and @kumori for the beta, you guys are awesome.
> 
> The "Karma is like 69" credit goes to @ave's mom and @belinda, apparently, thanks for that y'all. The Rilakkuma condoms were also @belinda's idea, blame them.
> 
> I'm [here](http://copperpatina.tumblr.com) on tumblr, yell at me about gayness.


End file.
